"The dunes are changed by the wind, but the desert never changes. That's the way it will be with our love for each other."

- The Alchemist

You never know what's coming for you, he said. This week has taught me a lot. Sometimes unexpected bad things happen to us in life, and you have to look past the initial misery to realize the resulting outcome will be wonderful. Blessings in disguise as they are commonly called. Sometimes it's only when things are taken away from you, that you realize how important they are to you. There is only one person reading this who will understand this I'm sure, and that person won't be reading this for quite some time.

The decision, that decision made before the unexpected,
it will be for the best, you will see.

I realized something in all of my loneliness. I'm just not ready, not complete enough to accept so much beauty.

I have my own journey I must partake before my road and I can merge onto your path. & all of this, the unexpected, is part of that journey I have realized. It's a first test, and it's preparing me. The initial break is the hardest, but then you deal, you learn. One day I will look back and be thankful of this time, and of the many times after it I am sure.

Maybe this train of thought has to do with the fact that I just finished reading the book the above quote is from, but nonetheless... sometimes something just feels right.

Many thoughts and ideas are running through my head about how to continue, what the best course of action would be.
I might have some hard decisions to face.
I can't live my life afraid of everything anymore, 
sometimes you have to know when to just let go, and let life drive you where it may.

Today I made pretty jewelry, watched children play on a rooftop, bought classic literature from Barnes & Noble that will change my perception on life, smiled as David made a new friend, and played Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds for him for the first time.


Macbeth tomorrow in the park! = D We're bringing extra blankets, and a picnic of our favorite foods.


Happy 2 year anniversary puddin' <3

Ultimate collapse? I'm beyond worried. These lapses of time grow more and more frequent, these abstract ideas grow more and more delirious, and your shakes and shivers make you look so distant and lost.  While I'm trying to make my peace with the "I" word, I'm scared I'm losing you to something I don't understand.


Routine is killing me. I find myself doing the same exact thing, every day. "Form good habits and become their slaves." The last word seems appropriate. There are times I catch myself not finding the sound of music quite so beautiful, or the feeling of accomplishment as satisfying. Maybe I just need to get out and do something, instead of biding my time until we leave for our great adventure. After all that won't be the beginning of life, but an enormous continuation of it.


In 11 days it will be our 2 year anniversary. It's insane how fast time flies.

Goodbye 2008.
There were fond memories as well as unwelcome ones, but alas the new year has rung and I welcome the breath of fresh air to start anew. 


I'm not big on New Years resolutions, but there are a few things I would like to begin accomplishing.

1. Find a job ASAP
2. Stay focused this semester and get grades I will feel proud of.
3. Pay off all my debts.
4. Get in the habit of jogging at LEAST four nights a week, if not every night.
5. Practice playing tennis more often, and try my best to not give up on it or feel discouraged.
6. Try to learn more Spanish, and hopefully start learning some German as well.
7. Get into jewelry making as a hobby.
8. Continue experimenting with different kinds of cooking, the more you practice the better the result.
9. Find my inspiration to write again. Begin writing my novel.
10. Prepare myself mentally and financially for a long awaited journey I've only ever dreamed about.

Many of these I am already working on, and I feel confident most will come to pass.




Oh there will be those that I'll miss terribly. Some I know I will see again one day, others I fear never again. Nostalgia will inevitably overcome me, and I will fend it off with a combination of tears and excitement. For all the adjustment it will take, and the 1001 goodbyes to people and things I never knew I'd miss, I will be beginning a lifelong dream where the possibilities for experience are nearly endless.

Wish us luck? ; )

& somewhere along the way,
you realize chipped coffee cups and faded photographs,
were replaced with acrylic nails and perfect shapes.


I want more
impossible to ignore

Forgetting is what I'm afraid of.

How many victories do I need to accomplish before I give myself credit for winning?

Maybe I'm just scared of admitting the title, because the sooner I have it the sooner someone or something comes along to prove me wrong.


This mental holiday will help me decide if I should keep dreaming about that one elusive bitch.


Even if I cut my losses, one thing is for sure - I came damn close.

Sometimes, I really want to hear the words.


& Sometimes, most of the time, I don't even need to.



We've come a long way. I wouldn't trade this feeling for anything.

So much change, everywhere in everything.


I'm spending the night on my soon-to-be-replaced computer, saying goodbye to a soon-to-be-old-bedroom I enjoyed for the past two years, and realizing that this very well may be one of my last over night stays in Hallandale. I came today to say hello, but was reminded this is instead a sort of goodbye. After my mother moves from here along with my brother, I will have very little ties to this place. For the first time in the past 5 years, my brother and mother are moving - and I'm not going with them.

Soon I will have to put on a play for an undisclosed number of audience members that brings forth very conflicting feelings within me. I have two days to settle this silent war.


I won't lie. I'm a little scared.

It has been proven to me that blood is NOT thicker than water.
Just because you are related does NOT mean that people actually care about you.

I already knew this, but it still felt like a punch in the gut.

I never use the R word, because I've always refused to invest anything in the concept of regret. However, I have to admit to myself as hard as it may be, that for once that has changed. I regret ever leaving my old job. I only worked there as a telemarketer for a month, but I really liked that place. I felt important and accepted, and I was really good at what I did. Everyone agreed on that, and no one could take it away from me, until I took it away from myself. At the time I thought it was the right thing to do, but I now see that it was not. Now I'm stuck in a position that's making me miserable, and I know I can't go back.

I thought working for my family would assure me some kind of stability or dare I say privilege? I thought it was a safer bet that if I worked for my families company, I would learn more and have more opportunities. I took for granted that I would not have to worry about paying the bills each month (I really don't have that many), and that I would have enough money for food and other such "luxuries."

I don't know what I've gotten myself into.
They knew I had no other job. They knew I had bills to pay. They knew that I rearranged my fall term school schedule around the hours they specified to me, hours which would cancel out my chances of finding another stable job, and they knew I took their job offer serious. Yet that didn't stop them from putting friends before me, to the extent that they didn't call me for work for nearly a month, no matter how much I called or emailed them. Long after my phone had been turned off because I couldn't afford to pay the bill, long after I didn't have enough money to buy a candy bar at the QuickStop, right when I am on the verge of borrowing money from my mother to pay for the minimum monthly payments on my credit cards, they finally call me in - coincidentally only a few days after they got into a huge fight with their friend and he quit, the same friend they have been calling in all month for work instead of me (and whom was also the same friend they had gotten into many arguments with, who was demanding a raise, and who they said was a little lazy). This is the person they decided was more important than me, and that I could just starve. & NO, I was not a bad worker, I gave them tons of work every chance I could, and I never heard any complaints about the work I did.

Did I mention the economy absolutely sucks right now, and nowhere seems to be hiring?

I've heard so many excuses, and I don't believe any of them. There is no excuse in my eyes, except that they just really do not give 2 shits about me. They couldn't have been less apologetic about everything if they tried.

Now with this new warehouse, I am given no desk (as I was told I would have, even though they bought 3 new desks for themselves), I was given no job title (except bitch girl), and I can't remember the last time I felt so left out, hurt, and unimportant. and I can't say a damn thing about it, or I'll go even longer without work, and sadly my bills are due in less than a week.


This isn't even the only thing bothering me or making me unhappy right now, but it is most definitely a pressing issue.

Theres so much more to say, but I think I'll just leave it here.

We grow up too fast.


You spend so much time in the shallow puddles of the mundane, that without close attention it becomes easy to forget who you are.

I could never understand people who could derive happiness from a puddle when the ocean was roaring its beautiful might right behind them.


100 times I've caught myself, and a 1000 more I will, as I see fit and necessary.

What we need, we seek, and therefor we find.
& what I need is a new emergence; for a fresh, cool wind.


I dread the day I'm no longer open to change.

Who else makes an oober surprise trip just for me to the SEAQUARIUM?!

fishies!

fishies!





He even stole a baby Manatee for me to take come and keep all to myself!
His name is Moco the Manatee, and he has now joined the happy stuffed ameenal family alongside Mr. Floppy and Osito : )


Did I mention he's also a gladiator now?
Makes me feel like all those nights of you ignoring me for WoW were worth it just to see you fly around on your spiffy new mount with your funny looking helmet and watch the Horde run away from you all scurred because you landed to do your fishing : ) *tear* So proud!


him > you.
Nighty Night.

I'm sick and tired of feeling second to a video game.
I tried my best to hold my peace and be understanding about this,
but when I take the time to write you something that I put so much thought into,
that I put a lot of time into,
that was written specifically for you,
and then not only do you not say anything about it after reading it,
you immediately sign onto World of FUCKING Worldcraft and don't even acknowledge I'm there for about an hour and a half, when I'm CLEARLY upset, that's a no go. Sorry.

It would have been really easy to see I wasn't sleeping and was in fact upset, if you bothered to turn around (which you did briefly) to see I was staring at the wall with a sad look on my face, and then you just went back to playing the fucking game as though you hadn't seen anything.


Man. Fuck you.


I am so sick of feeling like that stupid game comes before me more often than not.
Yet, I still called you at least 10 times after I left to talk it out with you, and you just ignored every one of my phone calls. Probably because you were busy playing WoW.


I'm too pissed to bother being poetic or cryptic. get over it.


I can't believe it.
A video game is more important to you than your best friend/girlfriend.
That's just great!
Asshole.

"too many times does reality slap the face of a complacent dreamer. whats right, whats wrong...time has yet to teach me all my lessons on the matter. thus, this shade of grey is for the time remaining an unfinished puzzle plaguing my mind. what i do know, is that the truest of gifts have never come willingly. blood must always be spilled for the blessings and the beauty the world so hesitantly offers. which path of each one chooses...preparation must be made to heal from that which must be taken."

I wrote that in response to someones entry about something years ago, and just stumbled upon it again today.

Felt compelled to post this because even as a stupid 17 year old kid, damn did I make a good point.

The human mind is a fascinating thing.

I just took a browse through myspace profiles, read a few blog entries, and suddenly felt a pressure begin to relieve itself that had been weighing down on me for far too long.

I feel like I found a part of myself again that I had been missing for a very long time, my balance. I was so far off the mark, it was grotesque. Switching from one side to the next, it's little wonder why I felt so detached.

How browsing through certain myspace profiles and blog entries helped me to realize this, don't ask. I'm not entirely sure of that myself, and I don't really feel the need to think about it too much.


I knew they was something I was missing,
I just couldn't find it,
but I didn't need to.
It found me.
I just needed to remember who I am,
so I could feel beautiful again.

My precious spherical gem of contrasting illumination, how I missed you so.

I haven't done one of these in a while.

10 things I want to tell 10 different people. Or maybe it's not really 10 people, but the same few people over and over? Mystifying.

( Read more... )

That was way more than 10. Oh well.

Still.
Ignore.
Push forward.
Still.
Ignore.
Push forward.
Stop.
You're someone else today.
Rewind.
Push forward.
Push forward.
You're beautiful today.
Fall.
Rewind.
You're someone else today.
Push forward.
Hesitate.
This isn't safe territory.
Push forward.
You're aren't as beautiful today.
Still.


Stop standing so still. Why can't you see what they see?


My precious spherical gem of contrasting illumination, I miss you so. I miss the feel of your ebony and ivory against my skin. Your smooth vehemence freed the cluster of the undetermined. You showed me who I was. You were who I was. Am? Beauty is a title only the worthy can carry. Want is a title only the decisive can hold.

Maybe if I saw through your eyes, I could find it again. I'd hold close, and never let go.

A key puzzle piece has gone astray. I beg you, help me find it. Don't let it (me) go.

You deserve so much better than me.
Someone less angry.
Someone less bitter.
Someone who can make you feel as amazing as you are.



I don't think I used to be so bitter, and it's not fair to you.
There's a little voice inside me that's screaming bloody murder,
it's saying I'm driving you away,
and if I don't stop then one day you'll just get too tired and leave.
I don't want you to go... = [
I don't know what I'd do if you left.

You're the best thing that ever happened to me.

This has been an incredible week.
Exhaustion is kicking in though, amongst other things.

Something inside me feels different, steadier, calmer.
It's kind of nice.
I feel like I've been crossing some invisible threshold,
and now I've finally pushed over the middle line into a new territory.

Whatever this odd, steady peace means
I owe it to you. = ]
Thank you.




I am so fucking lucky.

Dear Renee,


you were a stupid, stupid girl.