Puzzling, Isn't It?

For Eliana.

2009-02-25T06:51:35Z

This riddle is abundant with ulterior motives.

I know ulterior motives all too well.
They don't just come in ones, they come in cycles.
Where, my dear consort, is this cycle of purification leading?

"If I wanted to I would, but I don't so I won't."

My foundation feels unstable amidst this rupture.

For the ally turned "foe" who lays slain in this strife, no sweet goodbyes await.
So I will leave a tender note to try and compensate.
It need not be elongated or exceedingly eloquent,
the words which matter most have been spoken in the empty spaces between silences.

"It was so nice to have met you."

Your box will remain in its unique cloak, inventoried forever in my mind. I hope mine will for you too, stored away in the black recesses now holding D's. You took the blow with strength, and for that I am proud. You will never be a them.

Love,
R.

Disappear as far as you need to my dear, I understand the need to be strong. Tonight I had an abundance of tears and a cup of mint tea in your honor. I will truly miss you.

sahatdjian @ 2009-02-07T01:16:00

2009-02-07T06:41:52Z

"The dunes are changed by the wind, but the desert never changes. That's the way it will be with our love for each other."

- The Alchemist

You never know what's coming for you, he said. This week has taught me a lot. Sometimes unexpected bad things happen to us in life, and you have to look past the initial misery to realize the resulting outcome will be wonderful. Blessings in disguise as they are commonly called. Sometimes it's only when things are taken away from you, that you realize how important they are to you. There is only one person reading this who will understand this I'm sure, and that person won't be reading this for quite some time.

The decision, that decision made before the unexpected,
it will be for the best, you will see.

I realized something in all of my loneliness. I'm just not ready, not complete enough to accept so much beauty.

I have my own journey I must partake before my road and I can merge onto your path. & all of this, the unexpected, is part of that journey I have realized. It's a first test, and it's preparing me. The initial break is the hardest, but then you deal, you learn. One day I will look back and be thankful of this time, and of the many times after it I am sure.

Maybe this train of thought has to do with the fact that I just finished reading the book the above quote is from, but nonetheless... sometimes something just feels right.

Many thoughts and ideas are running through my head about how to continue, what the best course of action would be.
I might have some hard decisions to face.
I can't live my life afraid of everything anymore,
sometimes you have to know when to just let go, and let life drive you where it may.

sahatdjian @ 2009-01-16T00:53:00

2009-01-16T06:05:20Z

Today I made pretty jewelry, watched children play on a rooftop, bought classic literature from Barnes & Noble that will change my perception on life, smiled as David made a new friend, and played Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds for him for the first time.

Macbeth tomorrow in the park! = D We're bringing extra blankets, and a picnic of our favorite foods.

Happy 2 year anniversary puddin' <3

sahatdjian @ 2009-01-05T10:08:00

2009-01-05T15:38:37Z

Ultimate collapse? I'm beyond worried. These lapses of time grow more and more frequent, these abstract ideas grow more and more delirious, and your shakes and shivers make you look so distant and lost. While I'm trying to make my peace with the "I" word, I'm scared I'm losing you to something I don't understand.

Routine is killing me. I find myself doing the same exact thing, every day. "Form good habits and become their slaves." The last word seems appropriate. There are times I catch myself not finding the sound of music quite so beautiful, or the feeling of accomplishment as satisfying. Maybe I just need to get out and do something, instead of biding my time until we leave for our great adventure. After all that won't be the beginning of life, but an enormous continuation of it.

In 11 days it will be our 2 year anniversary. It's insane how fast time flies.

sahatdjian @ 2009-01-01T14:54:00

2009-01-01T20:12:53Z

Goodbye 2008.
There were fond memories as well as unwelcome ones, but alas the new year has rung and I welcome the breath of fresh air to start anew.

I'm not big on New Years resolutions, but there are a few things I would like to begin accomplishing.

1. Find a job ASAP
2. Stay focused this semester and get grades I will feel proud of.
3. Pay off all my debts.
4. Get in the habit of jogging at LEAST four nights a week, if not every night.
5. Practice playing tennis more often, and try my best to not give up on it or feel discouraged.
6. Try to learn more Spanish, and hopefully start learning some German as well.
7. Get into jewelry making as a hobby.
8. Continue experimenting with different kinds of cooking, the more you practice the better the result.
9. Find my inspiration to write again. Begin writing my novel.
10. Prepare myself mentally and financially for a long awaited journey I've only ever dreamed about.

Many of these I am already working on, and I feel confident most will come to pass.

Oh there will be those that I'll miss terribly. Some I know I will see again one day, others I fear never again. Nostalgia will inevitably overcome me, and I will fend it off with a combination of tears and excitement. For all the adjustment it will take, and the 1001 goodbyes to people and things I never knew I'd miss, I will be beginning a lifelong dream where the possibilities for experience are nearly endless.

Wish us luck? ; )

sahatdjian @ 2008-11-19T01:51:00

2008-11-19T06:59:30Z

& somewhere along the way,
you realize chipped coffee cups and faded photographs,
were replaced with acrylic nails and perfect shapes.

I want more
impossible to ignore

Forgetting is what I'm afraid of.

sahatdjian @ 2008-11-17T18:57:00

2008-11-18T00:03:21Z

How many victories do I need to accomplish before I give myself credit for winning?

Maybe I'm just scared of admitting the title, because the sooner I have it the sooner someone or something comes along to prove me wrong.

This mental holiday will help me decide if I should keep dreaming about that one elusive bitch.

Even if I cut my losses, one thing is for sure - I came damn close.

sahatdjian @ 2008-09-22T05:52:00

2008-09-22T09:53:43Z

Sometimes, I really want to hear the words.

& Sometimes, most of the time, I don't even need to.

We've come a long way. I wouldn't trade this feeling for anything.

sahatdjian @ 2008-09-11T02:01:00

2008-09-11T06:29:32Z

So much change, everywhere in everything.

I'm spending the night on my soon-to-be-replaced computer, saying goodbye to a soon-to-be-old-bedroom I enjoyed for the past two years, and realizing that this very well may be one of my last over night stays in Hallandale. I came today to say hello, but was reminded this is instead a sort of goodbye. After my mother moves from here along with my brother, I will have very little ties to this place. For the first time in the past 5 years, my brother and mother are moving - and I'm not going with them.

Soon I will have to put on a play for an undisclosed number of audience members that brings forth very conflicting feelings within me. I have two days to settle this silent war.

I won't lie. I'm a little scared.

Rant. Sigh.

2008-08-08T04:27:24Z

It has been proven to me that blood is NOT thicker than water.
Just because you are related does NOT mean that people actually care about you.

I already knew this, but it still felt like a punch in the gut.

I never use the R word, because I've always refused to invest anything in the concept of regret. However, I have to admit to myself as hard as it may be, that for once that has changed. I regret ever leaving my old job. I only worked there as a telemarketer for a month, but I really liked that place. I felt important and accepted, and I was really good at what I did. Everyone agreed on that, and no one could take it away from me, until I took it away from myself. At the time I thought it was the right thing to do, but I now see that it was not. Now I'm stuck in a position that's making me miserable, and I know I can't go back.

I thought working for my family would assure me some kind of stability or dare I say privilege? I thought it was a safer bet that if I worked for my families company, I would learn more and have more opportunities. I took for granted that I would not have to worry about paying the bills each month (I really don't have that many), and that I would have enough money for food and other such "luxuries."

I don't know what I've gotten myself into.
They knew I had no other job. They knew I had bills to pay. They knew that I rearranged my fall term school schedule around the hours they specified to me, hours which would cancel out my chances of finding another stable job, and they knew I took their job offer serious. Yet that didn't stop them from putting friends before me, to the extent that they didn't call me for work for nearly a month, no matter how much I called or emailed them. Long after my phone had been turned off because I couldn't afford to pay the bill, long after I didn't have enough money to buy a candy bar at the QuickStop, right when I am on the verge of borrowing money from my mother to pay for the minimum monthly payments on my credit cards, they finally call me in - coincidentally only a few days after they got into a huge fight with their friend and he quit, the same friend they have been calling in all month for work instead of me (and whom was also the same friend they had gotten into many arguments with, who was demanding a raise, and who they said was a little lazy). This is the person they decided was more important than me, and that I could just starve. & NO, I was not a bad worker, I gave them tons of work every chance I could, and I never heard any complaints about the work I did.

Did I mention the economy absolutely sucks right now, and nowhere seems to be hiring?

I've heard so many excuses, and I don't believe any of them. There is no excuse in my eyes, except that they just really do not give 2 shits about me. They couldn't have been less apologetic about everything if they tried.

Now with this new warehouse, I am given no desk (as I was told I would have, even though they bought 3 new desks for themselves), I was given no job title (except bitch girl), and I can't remember the last time I felt so left out, hurt, and unimportant. and I can't say a damn thing about it, or I'll go even longer without work, and sadly my bills are due in less than a week.

This isn't even the only thing bothering me or making me unhappy right now, but it is most definitely a pressing issue.

Theres so much more to say, but I think I'll just leave it here.

sahatdjian @ 2008-07-28T12:47:00

2008-07-28T17:00:51Z

We grow up too fast.

You spend so much time in the shallow puddles of the mundane, that without close attention it becomes easy to forget who you are.

I could never understand people who could derive happiness from a puddle when the ocean was roaring its beautiful might right behind them.

100 times I've caught myself, and a 1000 more I will, as I see fit and necessary.

What we need, we seek, and therefor we find.
& what I need is a new emergence; for a fresh, cool wind.

I dread the day I'm no longer open to change.

I HAVE THE GREATEST BOYFRIEND EVER

2008-07-04T09:03:42Z

Who else makes an oober surprise trip just for me to the SEAQUARIUM?!

fishies!

fishies!

He even stole a baby Manatee for me to take come and keep all to myself!
His name is Moco the Manatee, and he has now joined the happy stuffed ameenal family alongside Mr. Floppy and Osito : )

Did I mention he's also a gladiator now?
Makes me feel like all those nights of you ignoring me for WoW were worth it just to see you fly around on your spiffy new mount with your funny looking helmet and watch the Horde run away from you all scurred because you landed to do your fishing : ) *tear* So proud!

him > you.
Nighty Night.

sahatdjian @ 2008-06-10T17:00:00

2008-06-10T21:18:22Z

I'm sick and tired of feeling second to a video game.
I tried my best to hold my peace and be understanding about this,
but when I take the time to write you something that I put so much thought into,
that I put a lot of time into,
that was written specifically for you,
and then not only do you not say anything about it after reading it,
you immediately sign onto World of FUCKING Worldcraft and don't even acknowledge I'm there for about an hour and a half, when I'm CLEARLY upset, that's a no go. Sorry.

It would have been really easy to see I wasn't sleeping and was in fact upset, if you bothered to turn around (which you did briefly) to see I was staring at the wall with a sad look on my face, and then you just went back to playing the fucking game as though you hadn't seen anything.

Man. Fuck you.

I am so sick of feeling like that stupid game comes before me more often than not.
Yet, I still called you at least 10 times after I left to talk it out with you, and you just ignored every one of my phone calls. Probably because you were busy playing WoW.

I'm too pissed to bother being poetic or cryptic. get over it.

I can't believe it.
A video game is more important to you than your best friend/girlfriend.
That's just great!
Asshole.

Old Stuff.

2008-06-03T19:25:43Z

"too many times does reality slap the face of a complacent dreamer. whats right, whats wrong...time has yet to teach me all my lessons on the matter. thus, this shade of grey is for the time remaining an unfinished puzzle plaguing my mind. what i do know, is that the truest of gifts have never come willingly. blood must always be spilled for the blessings and the beauty the world so hesitantly offers. which path of each one chooses...preparation must be made to heal from that which must be taken."

I wrote that in response to someones entry about something years ago, and just stumbled upon it again today.

Felt compelled to post this because even as a stupid 17 year old kid, damn did I make a good point.

sahatdjian @ 2008-06-02T00:20:00

2008-06-02T04:38:38Z

The human mind is a fascinating thing.

I just took a browse through myspace profiles, read a few blog entries, and suddenly felt a pressure begin to relieve itself that had been weighing down on me for far too long.

I feel like I found a part of myself again that I had been missing for a very long time, my balance. I was so far off the mark, it was grotesque. Switching from one side to the next, it's little wonder why I felt so detached.

How browsing through certain myspace profiles and blog entries helped me to realize this, don't ask. I'm not entirely sure of that myself, and I don't really feel the need to think about it too much.

I knew they was something I was missing,
I just couldn't find it,
but I didn't need to.
It found me.
I just needed to remember who I am,
so I could feel beautiful again.

My precious spherical gem of contrasting illumination, how I missed you so.

sahatdjian @ 2008-05-23T03:43:00

2008-05-23T09:07:31Z

I haven't done one of these in a while.

10 things I want to tell 10 different people. Or maybe it's not really 10 people, but the same few people over and over? Mystifying.

1. I hope your passion for her burns you up and eats you alive.

2. Your face haunts me.

3. I think that if we met and actually had a decent conversation, we'd get along great.

4. In the end, you turned out to be pretty boring. It was rather surprising.

5. No matter what I do, I still feel as though I'll never live up to you.

6. As much resentment as I hold against you, I still can't imagine you not being there at all. I don't know what that means.

7. I'm terrified that if I meet you again, it will all come rushing back.

8. You will never understand me. It saddens me deeply.

9. I try not to think of you. It makes me feel confused.

10. The thought of something happening to you makes me feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.

11. Many of my insecurities weren't there before I met you. I don't blame you for most of it.

12. I wish you didn't always feel the need to hide behind your comfort blanket (which is exactly what all that is). Every time I get pushed away, I feel colder and colder and colder.

13. I think you're kind of amazing, but if we had gotten to know each other better I would have scared you.

14. Sometimes I think about you, and it hits me like a brick wall how beautiful you are. It's made me cry a few times.

15. I know you don't like me. That's okay, I like you. It's a shame you'll probably never know that.

16. I have to hide parts of myself from you. I don't want to hurt you, and I know that I would. I always wonder if you're doing the same thing. If you aren't, I really don't deserve you. All the same, I still hope you aren't, as selfish as that makes me.

17. I told the one secret you didn't want me to tell to the one person you told me not to tell it to. I don't care or feel guilty about it at all.

18. I kind of want to take your virginity. I can't believe I just said that.

19. I think it's only a matter of time before you do it again. I don't know what I'll do if/when it does.

20. I don't see it physically possible for it to ever happen. I'm sorry. I hate myself so much because of it.

21. Uggh. Just die already.

22. I lied. You look perfect to me.

23. I'll never feel for anyone in my life the way I feel for you. I'm absolutely certain of it. You are home to me.

That was way more than 10. Oh well.

sahatdjian @ 2008-05-21T03:37:00

2008-05-21T08:24:06Z

Still.
Ignore.
Push forward.
Still.
Ignore.
Push forward.
Stop.
You're someone else today.
Rewind.
Push forward.
Push forward.
You're beautiful today.
Fall.
Rewind.
You're someone else today.
Push forward.
Hesitate.
This isn't safe territory.
Push forward.
You're aren't as beautiful today.
Still.

Stop standing so still. Why can't you see what they see?

My precious spherical gem of contrasting illumination, I miss you so. I miss the feel of your ebony and ivory against my skin. Your smooth vehemence freed the cluster of the undetermined. You showed me who I was. You were who I was. Am? Beauty is a title only the worthy can carry. Want is a title only the decisive can hold.

Maybe if I saw through your eyes, I could find it again. I'd hold close, and never let go.

A key puzzle piece has gone astray. I beg you, help me find it. Don't let it (me) go.

sahatdjian @ 2008-05-11T09:33:00

2008-05-11T14:22:24Z

You deserve so much better than me.
Someone less angry.
Someone less bitter.
Someone who can make you feel as amazing as you are.

I don't think I used to be so bitter, and it's not fair to you.
There's a little voice inside me that's screaming bloody murder,
it's saying I'm driving you away,
and if I don't stop then one day you'll just get too tired and leave.
I don't want you to go... = [
I don't know what I'd do if you left.

You're the best thing that ever happened to me.

sahatdjian @ 2008-05-10T03:29:00

2008-05-10T07:40:13Z

This has been an incredible week.
Exhaustion is kicking in though, amongst other things.

Something inside me feels different, steadier, calmer.
It's kind of nice.
I feel like I've been crossing some invisible threshold,
and now I've finally pushed over the middle line into a new territory.

Whatever this odd, steady peace means
I owe it to you. = ]
Thank you.

I am so fucking lucky.

sahatdjian @ 2008-04-26T23:33:00

2008-04-27T03:36:06Z

Dear Renee,

you were a stupid, stupid girl.

sahatdjian @ 2008-04-24T23:03:00

2008-04-25T03:14:23Z

Here's another "whelmy" feeling for you dad to add to your list: the feeling of losing hope.

I've been traveling around and around this great big universe, but have I actually gotten anywhere? I'm starting to think not. I'm still stuck at an accident that occurred many roads back, and as HARD as I've tried I'm starting to believe I'll never walk the same ever again.

My well needs a refill, it's starting to run a little dry.

back from page one. it seems some songs stay a part of you forever.

sahatdjian @ 2008-04-21T22:04:00

2008-04-22T02:20:42Z

That door with the splinters was meant to be handled with care.

See what happens when you shut it closed so harshly?

Now little splinters are caught between the door and the wall frame, and when it's opened again it will be harder to pry with all those little splinters jammed shut.

I guess the rock didn't want to mind the glass's request.
Poke.
Poke.
Ouch.

fuck...

2008-04-14T06:16:46Z

I'm growing up.

When did this happen?

I feel confident. I feel optimistic. It's strange and new, yet refreshing.

In 2 days I will be 20 years old, and the change in mentality is hitting me like a brick wall.

Someone pinch me.

She was so cute, in that why don't you get out and see the sun kind of way

2008-04-06T02:03:04Z

There's a little hypocrite in all of us.
I do feel a bit nostalgic, can't lie. It happens from time to time. It will fade again in a moments time I'm sure.

I feel indifferent. The kind of indifference that will make you open your door smiling to the face of your killer and ask him if he'd like to come in and sit down. "Would you like some coffee or tea? You can set your knife down on the coffee table if you'd like. I'll go fix you something to eat while you wait."

You could throw as many rocks as you'd like at my waters, but they would only calm.
It's peaceful, but not entirely cheerful.
I feel like a charlatan with the pretense of virtue. I'm a clip in a movie, but no one told me it wasn't reality. The glitches on the movie screen were my sole clues to the truth.

If your actions dispute your true disposition, but the actions are more virtuous than how you feel about the matter, does it make it less virtuous or more so?

I'd like to think I'm doing something right here, but this ethical and logical course of action might mean a benefit to others but not to myself.

I guess some things never change, eh?

On one hand, this could significantly damage me. On the other, it could damage me something worse if left unattended. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, I take the logical road that has no relation to my feelings.

Sure, there must be some great answer that's better than this. I guess I'm not that wise, because it's completely escaping me.

So at the crux of this catch 22, the blood in my veins has turned to water, and I won't have to worry about feeling a thing. ; )

Rest assured, I'll do everything I can.

sahatdjian @ 2008-03-31T23:29:00

2008-04-01T04:41:59Z

Sometime between the dawn of civilization and this past Sunday evening, my best friend and I went on an enchanting adventure into a time machine to witness the beauty and dramatics of the Roman Empire. We witnessed the death of Julius Caesar, orgies, torture, incest of the greatest Roman Emperor and his sister, rapes, suicides, and murders with enough bloodshed to change the colors of the Atlantic Ocean. We traveled on a twin sized mattress, shielding ourselves from any treachery with a small blanket covering and two mis-proportioned pillows. Cuddling closely under our blankies we fought determinedly with our snuggles, vowing to stay consistent in our strategy of attack. Volcanic eruptions threatened to burn us alive in it's liquid hot magma, but we soon put out those sinister fires with eruptions of a different kind of fierceness. Feasting on all the finest ancient Roman cuisine - hamburgers, grape juice, and meat lovers pizza - we dined until our bellies were full and the hunger gods had sighed in contentment. Yet after such a grand feast, we should have known danger laid ahead for us. A giant, foreign, man eating monster unknown to current civilization ferociously attacked us out of pure jealousy of our fine meals. Naming himself "Ca Ca the Cacaroach!" he used his hideous antennas to locate the last scraps of our remaining sustenance. "Thief!" we cried, before my brave and daring best friend slayed the beast and left him to die as he twitched his last few twitches a few inches away from our time portal mattress. With so much excitement in our newfound hedonistic lifestyle, we would grow immensely tired. Resting our aching eyelids, we fell into deep slumbers that lasted until the sun had passed it's midpoint in the sky. Yet soon the days began to flow like water, and time was no longer on our side. We knew the time had come, to go home.

Jumping back into our time portals we forced ourselves again into our current lives filled with work and school, yet we secretly vowed to each other to return one day to our sacred land hand in hand.

It's moments like these, that make it all worthwhile ; )